How to Survive the Coming Robot Invasion

Doom draws nearer every day. No, I’m not talking about the summer Olympics or the frozen, ancient diseases slowly being released from the thawing arctic. I’m talking about the day when robots go from being our cute lil’ servants to overthrowing all of the governments and making us their cute lil’ servants. If you’ve been paranoid about this since 1991, then you probably refer to this coming day as Judgment Day. Not to confuse this Judgment Day with the other Judgement Day where Merlin awakens from his sleep and raises King Arthur and his undead knights of the Pentagram Table as they devour all living things in existence while Merlin challenges God himself as their battle in the heavens causes blood to rain down on the earth for the next 1000 years. No, what I’m talking about is scarier and much more frightful — especially because the timing is perfect for the robots to overthrow us. With 2020 having weakened our spirits, Game of Thrones not uniting us to have a pure hatred of a season finale, Kim and Kanye getting divorced, and the Capitol having an open-door policy to anyone who’s white, we are susceptible to the coming coop of the robots. Or as the robots refer to it, boop. Like coop but it’s boop. You’ll soon catch on how robot speak works.

If you’ve landed on this article thinking it’s an explanation on how to keep your skills up to date with the fast pace of growing technology so that you don’t become outdated, then this article applies to you too! Except, just remove keep your skills and replace it with survive and remove growing technology with coming robot invasion. Then remove up to date. Take the part so that you don’t become outdated and remove all of the letters except for the do be de letters, because we will need some lightheartedness during this heavy subject. Saying that little phrase to yourself will make you feel silly and whimsical. Go ahead and try it. Now, remove fast pace and replace it with I am blank and fill in the blank part with whatever you need it to be. Meditate on it for 2 hours and then remove the I am blank part. Go back to the do be de and remove it, because we’re past the point of being silly, and there’s no time for it. Lastly, remove with and put nothing in its place like what will happen to humankind when the robots take over. I mean, the robots will take our place, but you get my morbid point. And there you have it! The titles are practically the same so this article could work for you too!

Now, to the important part of this essay. Through all of my vast research (scrolling through Facebook for memes and articles that confirm my own rhetoric while I take a shit on the toilet), I have compiled a list of steps to take. However, you will be reading this list on either your computer or phone and the technology will try to keep you from learning about this. I would suggest you set to print this article before it’s too late and the printer learns what you are doing. If need be, set the printer to print the lyrics of Taylor’s Swifts songs which will confuse it since those songs have so much heart and soul in them. While the printer is busy trying to understand the lyrics, quickly set it to print this article. This should work because robots don’t understand feelings and can’t express love and attention. Oh! I just realized that probably explains my relationship with my dad and why he doesn’t return my calls. He’s a robot! It’s not that I’m a huge disappointment in his eyes. Anyway, if you are a witch and not using an electronic device and using your oracle, sadly, this article won’t work on Cauldron 10®, and you will have to do the latest update. Check with your local goat representative if you have any issues with your product.

Now that you are able to read this article in a safe place, read it carefully, as your life could depend on it.

TO DO LIST

• Read this article.
• Forward this article to 7 people and tell them to read it even though you haven’t finished reading it. Added bonus, tell them that if they don’t send it to 7 people, Bloody Mary will not come to visit them. Yes, you read that correctly. Bloody Mary hates robots and is scared of them too. She’s agreed to put aside her differences with us mortals and will come join your ragtag team of underdogs in the coming battles.
• Gather wood.
• Learn how to throw wooden spears.
• Make spears out of wood.
• Do the making spears part first, and then learn how to throw them.
• Get a knife for sharpening and creating the spears.
• Get a knife first before doing any of the previous list items. Except the reading and forwarding part. You can do that first.
• Take any electronic massage tools you may have and destroy them. We can’t chance any robots coming into your home during the battles and find the massage tools. They would just use it to massage each other as a quick breather before heading back into the battle, because even if you’re a robot, taking over the world is stressful. Just ask Yogi Bear. Everyone knows that “picnic baskets” was his code phrase to Booboo for finding yellow cake uranium.
• Find anyone with a VR system and tie them up. They don’t realize it, but in seeing too much of the digital world, they’ve been turned into a perfect candidate for conversion when the robots do step 534 of their 30,205,893 steps to conquer the world. If you have a VR system, then read the following line of sequences.

1001010101010101010101010101010111101000100110101

If you don’t have a VR system, no need to worry. Anyone that has been compromised by VR systems will shut down upon reading that phrase. All you need to do is find those people who have read this and make sure they are tied up. No need to thank me. Unless you meet me in person, then you should thank me. I thrive on compliments and praise.

• If you’ve been to a dentist at any point in your life, you’ve been compromised. There’s no way any human being would agree to be a part of such an evil industry focused on causing people pain. It’s safe to assume all or most dentists are robots in human skin, otherwise known as terminators. It’s step 89 of the robot’s 30,205,893 steps to conquer the world. If you said yes to the question about if you went to the dentist, then remove any of the teeth they were “fixing.” They have planted a device in there to track you. No matter what they claim, it’s not true. There’s no thing such as cavities. Don’t believe me? Ask my shaman, Shaman Steve. If you can’t remember which teeth they worked on, then go ahead remove all of your teeth. Put the teeth in a small bag and set aside. If your mom is white, she will most likely want to collect all of your teeth and keep them with your other baby teeth to bring out when you bring home your fiancée to show them how much you’ve grown. Once your mom has done her duty of making your fiancée question if they want to be a part of your family, set the teeth aside for later use.
• Make yourself and any of your children watch each Transformers movie and TV shows. You all should watch them each year of your life to engrain the knowledge in it. It will make you paranoid of technology and how they are robots in disguise. Make sure your children do not become fans of Optimus Prime. There is no such thing as a good robot. When Optimus Prime gets killed, make a birthday cake and let any wild dogs in your neighborhood loose in your house. This way, it will be a memory they can’t forget each time Optimus Prime dies.
• If you have any Roombas in your home, it’s too late. They’ve already taken over your home. Get out while you still can!! If they’ve blocked every exit, go upstairs and climb down from a window. If you don’t have a second story, hire a writer instead of a contractor. They will write you another good story for your predicament and show you how to escape. If you’re running through the house from the Roombas as you read this and you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t have time to hire a writer and wait for them to get over their writer’s block!” Then throw out whatever food pieces you have around you as you make your escape. The Roomba’s programming will take over and they will try to clean up the mess first before capturing you.
• Set up a trap and put pieces of trash in it to capture a Trash Panda, also known as a raccoon also known as the Tanuki. Once you have captured the raccoon, set it aside for later use.
• Keep every appliance plugged into timers. This way, if they try to kill you, their power will eventually be turned off and you can go back to removing your teeth in peace.
• Keep buckets of water around you at all times. If you find yourself without your water bucket and you’re cornered by robots, keep a sad photo of your favorite animal to bring you to tears. Take the tears and put them into your gun and fire them at the robots. Robots can’t withstand water as it fries their circuits.
• Do not fall in love with any of the robots. They are incapable of love. They may act like they can love just like most men, but they can’t. They just do it to try to lure you back to their secret dentist hideout and to turn you into a robot. Don’t believe me? Watch Titanic. Leonardo DiCaprio was a robot in that movie. That’s why he died when he went into the water.
• Do not listen to EDM music. Not because of anything robot-wise. You’re better than that.
• Take the bag of teeth you removed and attach them to the raccoon you captured. Let the raccoon go free. The robots will follow the raccoon instead of you. Don’t worry about the raccoons. They were here way before we were and they will be here long after we’re gone.
• If you have an Alexa device, change her settings to respond to the name “Computer.” Turn on your TV to a 24 hours marathon of Star Trek. They will repeat and tell the computer to do so many commands that Alexa will get confused. Seriously, you should do this. I have and it’s fun.
• If you’ve been using a dating app or website, it’s all robot based. They will purposely set you up with weirdos so that you think you can only attract the wrong kind of person. You are a beautiful human being. Don’t let the robots tell you anything otherwise. If you would still like to date during this time of war, then I suggest you do what people did in the old days. Leave crows nailed to their door. If they leave you a live groundhog in your mailbox, you’re good to go! If they put your pig in your mother’s wedding dress, it means it’s time to move on.
• Lastly, if we end up losing the war, don’t mention my name and that I wrote this. I want to get on the good side of our new supreme overlords.

There you have it! If you have any questions, put the question in a bottle and throw it into the sea. My correspondents are marooned somewhere in the Pacific Sea and will get back to you within 5–9 months. Good luck! Next week, I’ll finally explain the ending of LOST to you and why it was a metaphor for the creators wanting to keep gold as the currency standard instead of paper.